Sexual strength is for pussies

I would like to say that I am confident and sure about all the things I feel to do with myself, but the reality is that I'm not. I have struggled to define what makes me FEEL the way I do for a long long time and I have been fighting what has felt like a loosing battle for what feels like almost forever.

My sexuality has led me in to some very unfamiliar territory and because it's social acceptance is still rather young I am finding it hard to express how I feel openly. I could be a big camp guy with big camp ideas and big camp friends but I'm not. Yes I am eccentric and hyperactive but I am not camp, but that means I'm not butch and burly either, I'm just me and I am stuck trying to figure out how to express that feeling so that I don't have to bottle it up hoping not to get to the point where it bursts out and puts me in a bad situation.

So I have decided to join a belly dance class, not because I want to tone up (even though that is going to be a nice bonus haha), not because I want to learn to dance either but because belly dance gives me the opportunity to express my sexual feminine energy in a safe and powerful way and it helps me to alter how I feel about myself. The dancing connects me to the divine feminine that is in me (and everyone else) and helps it to come out. I mean yes I found that I felt silly and uncomfortable during the lesson but after about half an hour I was at ease completely and felt connected to something that I rarely get in touch with.

Frank Farinaro is superb at what he does.

In my life I have not really had female roll models nor have I had much feminine exposure due to my sexuality (obviously haha) which has made me feel a tad well...... unbalanced, that I need to connect to what I have been missing. The dance does this in a way that I didn't know it could, it connects me to the Goddess. That part of everything that I have not had much to do with, that I have missed out on and that I have avoided. I want to have that part of me strengthened and renewed so that I can feel it. 

One day I will dance and it will be me dancing for the Goddess and showing her my strength, that I can be strong and I can be balanced.

Feeling the vibes

I'm going to try and describe how I felt the other night.

I was invited to a friends house to help with an alter/shrine in the back garden that she had created. A place dedicated to the practice of magick outdoors, me and my friends were asked to share a ceremony with a Shaman friend of ours and then feel free to add whatever magick we wanted to the sacred space. 

Another friend of ours communed with the elements and I think she invoked deity and as I watched the space I had a vision of a big black cauldron filled to the brim with magick of many colours. All swirling around and moving in sync with each other. Not mixing but working together to create something powerful. I saw how each person was adding a different group of magickal ingredients to the mix and making it stronger and stronger.

Next it was my turn, so I took my fae wand and gestured a spell of protection over the sight and then got to my knees and thought to myself that I would invoke the fae and ask them to watch over this place. I was going to ask if they would please offer their strengths to this place and they answered. With such a flood of power they answered. Before I had said the words my body shivered and I felt them all around me.

Their presence was immense as they swarmed around to answer my call, a few of them agreed to my request and seemed almost pleased that they were being asked to watch over the place. As I knelt there on the spot I felt their energy strong and multicoloured until my Shaman friend stood behind me and they flew to a safe distance. We were disturbed and even though I had finished and the magick was in place I couldn't help but feel the wrench as their power left my field. It was an amazing sensation and just helped to remind me of who they are and how they feel. It felt so real and so natural to me.

I'm not sure how exactly to explain how I felt at each moment that night. I just know that It was right for me. I suppose this is just me sharing an experience. Blessed Be.

Mirror magick

How often have you done something and felt that you were right in every aspect?...............Go on........................... Think about it and then ask yourself. How many times afterword have you re-evaluated it and thought. "Why the hell did I do that??"

Sometimes we find ourselves feeling very confident and we can do so much with that confidence that at times we can be oblivious to the actual effects of our actions.
I was reminded lately of how people can take confidence and turn it in to arrogance, which is difficult to say because you run the risk of saying you are better than them yourself which can then in turn make you rather arrogant (Ooo complicated aye haha). However, I think arrogance comes from the belief that you can't get things wrong sometimes.

What if that arrogance was cemented by what you believed in, be it Christian, Muslim, Pagan or Druid. How would your beliefs influence your actions and responses to other people if you deemed them inferior or miss led.

So here it is then, look in the mirror and tell yourself you have the power to do what ever you want. That you are divinely blessed. That you can do no wrong. But for the love of god please include that you will be humble and compassionate. That you will be tolerant and understanding.

Mirror magick has the potential to change your life if you take the time to look at who is staring back at you, just be careful not to feel that you don't really know the person on the other side. We aren't always who we think we are but we do have the power to change it. Break the model and keep moving forward :o)

Black magicETHICS!!! I mean ethics......Black Ethics

Hey now don't get mad it's just a figure of speech, bet seriously it's not all bad sometimes it's with the best intention. HA!!

It's all very well and good isn't it. You are sat there minding your own business when at the same time in a land far far away. Someone is trying to influence the course of your life because they think they know better. I know I know, we have all done it. We have all done it with the best intentions and cast a spell of protection, or healing on someone without asking to try and make things better for them buuuuuut.

This is wrong!.....We have no right to perform magick on another person without their permission, no matter how much we can see them falling in to a pit. Some of the biggest character building lessons have been learned in the most dire of circumstances and even more to the point. you may see something as bad and another person may see it as potential to do good. For example.........

I have recently lost someone very close to me and been in this exact position, only there was no magick involved. I was in a position to share news of a family loss with my sister and chose to delay the call because I knew she was meeting with friends. Now I thought that a couple of hours made no difference as it wouldn't to me and that I would be sparing her the uncomfortable position it may put her in, but in fact my sister was very angry with me. This made me think of how people use magick and how much magick has the power to change things. It can be such a powerful tool that if I had used it to spare my sister the pain of loss then she may never truly get over it.

Some of use use it for ourselves knowing that if we are fit and able to do things for our selves then we are more able to help those around us that ask. So magick is used to bring us strength before we use it to help others. Then there are some people who use magick only to help others and very rarely use it to help them selves in order to maintain equilibrium.

Neither one of these is a bad thing but I will say that using magick on behalf of someone else whether it be small or large WITHOUT their permission is one of the blackest things you could do. The world is made of all sorts of people, places and beliefs and none of us will ever truly understand each other to the point where we can say we did it for your own good and ever be truly right. We need to learn to support each other in ways that don't compromise what we could learn from each other for without darkness we can never know light for without light we can never find darkness.

Please don't mistake black magick as curses and darkness because the real black magick is the stuff that stops people from living life the way they chose and forces them to live the way YOU chose. Always ask if someone wants your help and never make the assumption because you never know what you may truly be changing.

Darkness only sets the scene for light and light only shows the path for darkness. Both are part of all we are and will never be anything less than equals in the world.

What changes happen must be must

She walks below goddess's shawl

and knows the journey will be small.

Her lover waits to end the ride

and walk with hands linked by her side.

Within the golden lands above

she finds a place to shine her love.

To those she left in empty space

she sends a smile to fill its place.

The goddess walks with silent steps

as she descends the wandered depths.

To remind those that do now mourn

that we are all one day reborn.

My Great Gran passed away today. It was peaceful and she was with loved ones. I know that she will be happy to go to the new world and that my Great Gramp is waiting for her. I ask that the great Lady Hecate guide her to her love with her beacon and that she have a swift journey filled with laughter. I did love my Gran's laugh. Blessed Be.

Getting the message.

I am buzzing, have just eaten wraps, had a wonderful meditation and received a beautiful e-mail from someone I hope to be able to call a friend one day.

Each one of these (minus the wraps) have told me something very clear that I have not ever heard in my life. As the person I am and having gone through the things that I have been through. I try to see the good that is in everyone even at times making it up just to appease the situation, because I believe it is the right thing to do and it keeps everyone happy. But it requires me to sacrifice my power in a way that I never thought that it would.

So I lost my bite..................where the hell did that go. I know I haven't just left it somewhere cause I feel it from time to time when I have to stifle it and keep the situation calm. I never thought for a second that this could leave me drained and worn out by other people. We are all capable of doing terrible things through rage and anger but we forget by subduing our urges beyond the point of safety, that sometimes no is a better answer than yes, that just showing your teeth can solve more problems than letting things run their course.

You can only give so much to people and stifle your own feelings and urges before you have nothing left to give or to express to the ones that matter and more importantly......yourself. Because if you aren't able to care for yourself then how can you help others?

You thought I was only one. I am many and we are free.

This is where my bite comes in because after saying yes for so long, people aren't going to be expecting the no. I am going to have a fight on my hands just to keep that which is mine and I don't mean my things or my laptop or anything like that. I mean my stability.........peace of mind.........That quiet moment where I need to be alone with just my thoughts for company. My Nwyfre.

Today has been a reminder that those things we can do in rage and in anger, if used properly with respect and tolerance actually are just tools to help us defend our selves and make our point in a sea of turbulent motion. My Nwyfre is mine to do with what I will and will no longer be take by just anyone who asks. It is my tool, my energy and I have got my bite back.

Earth my body, water my blood, air my breath, fire my spirit.

The earth is healing me day in and day out. She is like a never ending battery that is just happy to give me all that I need. Giving me the tools that I need to build my world with, growing from the seeds that she has taught me to nurture through action. Her energy has taught me to shield and heal anyone and anything, both in this world and in others. Feeling the soul the rest's within the body of all things. She helps me to communicate with the spirits of the earth, the fae and the realms of slower and darker energy. Her being is the depths of the dark still centre hidden in the perpetual moment. Feel this place in the depths by the love of the earth you find that there is a whole other world that is filled with a magick all it's own.

The water feeds and nurtures me day in and day out. She cleanses my spirit and clears my feelings so that I can work with my intuition. She embraces me when I am low and she pushes away with awesome power, that which would harm me. Her energy has made me intuitive and allows me to feel with clarity what I need to do. She has taught me to push and pull like a tide and I have learnt how to flood areas with emotion and drain others. Her heart is in the flow of the moment as she moves, showing me how to remain in one place and move to another all at the same time, Her realm in the depths of the dark is filled with emotion and feeling where you feel with you heart to find where you are, a world that is filled with a magick all it's own.

The air fills me and frees me day in and day out. He clears my mind and channels my ideas so that I can manifest my thoughts. He moves me when I am still and shows me the flow of thought showing me that I can affect change from a distance with a simple breath or word. Freeing my spirit that I may fly with him going to see places and be filled with light. He has taught me to be invisible and free from the world that holds us in the moments that we feel we can't escape. I let his breath guide me and show me the words of power that effect change, in his world of light you can see and feel with your body the rush of the invisible folk, listen to the invisible words and find your way in a world that is filled with a magick all it's own

The fire blazes in my spirit day in and day out . He powers my passions and empowers my desire, guiding my actions with feeling's of what I should do. He teaches me to protect that which is sacred to me and reminds me to be warm and kind to those that are in need of empowering. He guides me in the realms of love and lights the sacred fires within my soul, giving me the strength to love myself and the others around me. If I see him he reminds me that my power is not something to be afraid of only respected and used in times when it is called upon. I let him burn me a path to the realms of light where you move with caution and respect of the great power that exists there, a world with a magick all it's own.

Blessed are the spirits they watch over me day in and day out. I am part of them and they are all in me, part for part I am now the fifth.

Blessed Be